Frances Bula header image 2
← →

For the many missing their mothers today

May 13th, 2012 · 6 Comments

Mothers’ Day is a poignant day for those of us whose mothers are no longer with us.

As some of you already know, my mother died a couple of months ago after several difficult years. In those years, and in the weeks since her death, it’s been brought home to me how many people are just head of me or just behind on this rough road.

I wrote an essay in Vancouver magazine about my mother and I and how our bond changed in the last years as she wandered away from me, but, as I wrote it,  I was also thinking of so many others I know who have gone through or are going through the same sadness. Hearing their stories helped me as I was trying to cope. I hope this helps others.

Categories: Uncategorized

  • Silly Season

    Frances,

    There’s nothing to prepare you for this time of life, when you go from being someone’s child (regardless of age!) to being their administrator/advisor/confidente/cargiver/organizer/chauffeur/social worker/manager.

    I’ve been there.

    You know that old saying, “First, you have to learn to forgive yourself?” Apply that to all your intractions with elderly, failing parents.

    You will feel like you can never do enough, or be there enough.

    In other words, the fact that there is so little we can control in life, and in another’s life, is really driven home as we face the death of a parent.

    In youth, we feel we are immortal. Watching parents leave us shatters the illusion. Watching them suffer some of the indignities of aging cuts like a knife. All you can do is to love them and do what you can do. And accept that the final part of the journey belongs only to them.

    And there is no ‘quid quo pro’ here either, as you support a loved one. If you’ve had even a halfways decent relationship, the debts are usually too large to be re-paid, anyways.

    But it sounds like your mom really appreciated all that you did for her.

    How wonderful for you to know that!

  • Julia

    Your recent loss crossed my thoughts as I had the joy of sharing Sunday with my own 94 year old Mom. I also spent time with my girlfriend and her Mom and noted signs of dementia that my friend is refusing to see. I am not sure what to say. Life is hard enough without the added complications that dementia brings with it.

    No doubt your piece require several tissues to complete. I required many tissues for me to read!

    Thank you for sharing your heart and story with us.

  • Barb Saylor

    Thank you, Frances. It was very hard reading (and much harder living), but necessary.

  • IdleWild

    Thank you, Frances. A tear to the eye, indeed.

  • MB

    There are just too many opportunities for children to learn how much they love a parent when that parent is near the end.

    To forgive, to be forgiven, and to realize new heights and depths of appreciation for that other poignant human being.

    I lost my Dad last year. He was 89 and was ready to go. He spent most of his years paying taxes and required only three weeks of care in the hospital, most of it with simple morphine and oxygen.

    My mother lost her independence nine years ago, but she is still chuntering along like the pink bunny, and is the only person in her care centre who uses a computer regularly.

    I love(d) them dearly regardless of their level in the System, a structure not without compassionate individuals and, like my feelings toward both parents, egalitarianism.

    Thank you, Frances, for sharing.

  • KY

    That was a beautiful and sad and true thing. Thank you.